Just wanted to give you all a heads up. This is mostly a copy-paste from the Reddit thread I posted this in asking if I had left, taking a break, what is going on with me etc. I wanted to clear the air surrounding my absence.
First, I'd like to say, as much as I hate trigger warnings and think they're completely pointless, I'm surrounding this with spoiler text. If you're offended by mental health issues such as PTSD, suicide, etc, please do not read below and instead just know that I am fine, I am coming back eventually to the project, and that I need a break due to exerting my capacity for handling emotion. I like to think that I am able to have thick skin, but life sometimes tosses you curveballs and breaks your shell wide open.
Spoiler:
I didn't leave. I took a break from development and administrative duties. I nearly had lost my best friend IRL after the friend attempted suicide about a week ago and they had called their therapist right before who immediately called the police. Was quite devastated. They were found in the stairwell near me, alive and very sad. It was a couple hours where I was afraid I wouldn't see someone who honestly was closer than family to me.
After that, I tried to continue on with Twitch streaming in addition to dev duties. Suffice to say, it did not go well with all the added stress on my plate.
I went off on someone publicly (Jbillz, and "Nathan" on discord in addition to two others I banned from my stream chat) in my stream after losing a city siege to him and his warband. I will not hide it, what I said was unacceptable, and I am not proud of having went off on him. The offending players have since been unbanned from my channel and no action was taken against them or any others ingame. I'm going to attempt to reach out to the affected players and apologize. It doesn't reflect well on him and does not reflect well on the already historically shaky developer/player relations.
I am cognitive enough to know that when I am starting to see myself become irrational over casual **** talk, I need to take a longer than normal break.
The break is so that I do not affect the playerbase when in a mental state that could lead to another Torquemadra or Azarael style dramatic exit. That is not something I want to see happen, and I believe the team is headed in the right direction and I want to support them - but only when I am able to do it properly without affecting this beautiful community in a negative way. I need to make absolute certain that when I do come back that I am ready to handle responsibilities. I will be honest and say that this project is a labor of love, and that labor comes with a lot of personal sacrifices.
The last year, or so, has been stressful in general. Not just with RoR.
I had filed for bankruptcy (largely my fault - helping close friends and my immediate family survive) in February of this year. The discharge is soon to follow. I had half high APR debt (25% APR) and the rest was 9% APR or lower. The debt was equal to a little under one year's salary. Needless to say, I had no way to pay it off, and did not expect to be able to pay it off for another 15 years. (!) I am renting my apartment, so it didn't affect me beyond having no ability to rent anywhere else for the next few years, and I am very minimalist in what I own, so the federal limits covered all of my property. I won't even be able to get a mortgage until 2 years from now.
I **** up royally earlier this year when my best friend of 10+ years and I (we were living with each other and recently have had increased tensions) had an argument and it got a tad physical on their part. I called the police on them, and they were arrested. They weren't allowed to stay at the apartment for a solid 20ish days, leaving them to stay at a hotel where my other roommate was keeping them company for a bit. I eventually left the apartment in their care while remaining being the primary lease holder and paying rent in full while they recovered. The friend already had a plethora of PTSD related trauma from their childhood, and the police / court made it worse.
On top of that, they lost their job right before COVID-19 hit our area and the assholes where they were working fired my friend the day before the facility was set to close indefinitely due to the shutdown order, making the friend ineligible for unemployment assistance as the following day the government shutdown was ordered in my state. Thankfully they are on supplemental disability and had filed taxes so they got the stimulus and still can support us.
I will be honest, it's been better now that I have filed bankruptcy. My friend is slated to come home on or before the 22nd of May. I'm not going to ask for handouts or any of that crap, it's not my M.O. and never will be. I work professionally and as a hobby to see people enjoy their gaming experiences. I need to work on myself before I can see myself coming back to work on RoR.
I will be back probably within a month or two. I am focus on getting my real life work done, as well as helping my friends and family recover from all of the tension.
Thank you all for being understanding. I had an emotional time when I said "hi" in Zarbix's stream the other day. Seeing the outpour of support means a lot to me and my friends. I appreciate you all, especially that you all appreciate the work I put into this hobby just to see you guys happy.
I'm also playing on a White Lion still, occasionally. It's pretty obvious who I am (rr87 in full sov gives it away) but I will not be communicating ingame, joining discords or responding to text.
Hey Secrets. We have had our fun and arguements over the past couple of months, as a developer I am sad to see you taking a step back from this project, but on a more personal human note I am very happy for you, to hear you are making this call.
I believe the time off will do you really well, and you taking distance from the WL/Dev/streamer "heat" for sure should make you focus on the important stuff, real life.. And for when you hopfully return this approach will fit your personality well to navigate all the passion from the community.
For all the haterz out there, you proved them wrong on comments like "the devs dont even play the game". You influence on the server will be missed in your absence, but take the time to come back stronger than before (insert buff wl joke here)
It needs great dignity to admit wrongdoing, so therefore /bow
I hope that you will get your problems sorted out and that you will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. There is nothing more important than health. Thank you for all the work you have done.
Live: Carroburg -> Santorro (WH), The first Guard (TfG)
Apology accepted. It was sorta impossible for me to believe you truly meant what you said to me or Jbillz anyways considering you have an understanding of struggles with mental heath, so thank you for saying sorry. Furthermore, all you’ve shared sheds a lot of light on why you may have done the thing that initially pissed us off that night and why you reacted how you did to what some ppl said.
Im sorry to hear all this really but I’m glad to hear you’re taking the time to focus on and help yourself first, and hope everything feels more stable for you soon.
Last edited by nnnNATHANnnn on Mon May 18, 2020 10:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
